It seems like the word that best describes my childhood is isolation. Whether I was truly isolated, or if it was simply a perceived situation I cannot say. I had older siblings, two of which had moved out by the time I was four, and two who still lived at home but were at least 6 year older than I.
The most remembered words that I feel I heard as a child when entering the room were “You better put your things up, here comes Ronnie”. Other peoples things as well as their lives were mostly off limits to me. I was left to have my own toys, and my own world to play in.
When I started school, relating to other kids came hard for me. It was no wonder that by the time I was in my teens, I was suffering from excruciating loneliness. My life was lived mostly in isolation until my thirties or fourties when I discovered the need to have other people in my life.
Bonding still doesn’t come easily for me. I much prefer a quiet location by myself to a noisy room full of people. Sometimes I even can feel overwhelmed when in a noisy and busy location. But there is still nothing I enjoy more than a nice walk, or a quiet drive with my soul mate discussing our thoughts and feelings with each other. To me this feels like how life was meant to be.
I don’t think we can truly fine peace with ourselves, or with our maker until we can experience the true joy of bonding with another person. We feel best able to handle the complex issues that life hands us when we can do so in the context of a caring community of people.
Sorting out our past hurts and issues is crucial to our growth and health. The very best way to do it is when you share the load with other safe and caring people. If you are in a 12 step program, this is done in steps 5 and 6.
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