Typically our lives are not improved without an effort. The good ol’ four letter word W_O_R_K. Bringing sanity and completeness to our lives by proper integrating the good and bad is no different. Here are some things we can do to help the process:
PRAY. David’s prayer in Psalms 139 says it best. “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts see if there is any offensive way in me , and lead me in the way everlasting” Ask God to shine his light into your soul and reveal anything that you are unaware of. Then ask his forgiveness for it.
Rework the Ideal – Much of the content of our ideal self is false; it is not what an ideal person would be. Check out what needs to be eliminated from your picture of what an ideal you would be. You may need to delete some ideals that come from your family or the culture, instead of from God.
Rework Distortions – Challenge your distorted views of God, yourself, and others. These strongly held beliefs don’t give way easily, but in new relationships, you can unlearn them. Study the Scriptures to see what they say about our ideal, our reality, and what God and salvation are really like.
Monitor the Relationship Between the Ideal and the Real – Listen to the way you respond to the less than ideal. Do you deny it? Do you deny the good? Do you attack and judge? Do you accept and forgive? Many people are stunned to find out how much they attack themselves and others.
Practice Loving the Less than Ideal in Others – Learning to accept badness and weakness in others brings healing in the split of the good and bad. Stay connected to others when they are less than ideal, and you will begin to value real relationship and stop demanding idealism. In this way, attachment increases, and your ability to love grows. The less than ideal begins to matter more than the ideal because you have a real relationship.
Do Not Discard Others When They Are Less Than Perfect – If you have had trouble with going from friend to friend, spouse to spouse, church to church, because you find some little flaw and make them all bad, work on staying in connection and working out the problem. Actively see the good as well as the bad, and love the whole person. Make reality your friend instead of your enemy.
Process and Value Negative Feelings – When you are committed to reality, to both the good and the bad, you will begin to see negative feelings as a part of life. If you fear them less, you can then process them as they arise and avoid all the problems listed in the last chapter. Most problems with negative feelings come from a fear about them. They really are not as bad as you fear they are. Negative feelings will not kill you, but avoiding them may.
Expect Badness and Weakness from Everyone – I’m not suggesting you turn into a pessimist. I’m saying, “Be a realist.” Everyone you know, including yourself, has good and bad, strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, expect to see them in action. When the faults come, embrace them and love them so that you can overcome your splitting of good and bad as well as feel closer to others.
Expect Faults from the Creation – Because the world is real, not ideal, everything can eventually break down. Every holiday you plan can potentially get rained out. Every plant you grow will have some dead leaves. Expect things to go wrong, and you will not be surprised. You will be able to value that less-than-ideal car, house, city that you have or live in. It may not be ideal, but it’s probably good enough.