When my life was at its lowest point I had been under doctor’s care for chronic depression for three years. Long before the doctor had diagnosed depression I felt the despair that loneliness and a lack of any true bonded relationship brings. I really had no idea why I felt as bad as I did, and I felt I had no reason to feel that way. I was a fully committed Christian, and I had two of the most beautiful daughters that God has ever created. I enjoyed the freedom of being self employed, and had dozens of clients that thought highly of the service that I provided them.
It was in the midst of this crisis in my life that I was first introduced to the life changing principles that are contained in the book Changes the Heal by Henry Cloud. The emptiness that my life had become felt like it was consuming more and more of whatever goodness I felt in life. A friend introduced me to a book called Love is a Choice by Frank Minrth and Paul Meier. This book spoke to the co-dependency that defined my marriage of 19 ½ years. I needed help, and I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to get it. I could see that there was hope out there someplace; I just needed to find my way there.
I picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-NEW-LIFE. The counselor on the other end listened to me, and told me that there was indeed help available. After working out the issues of insurance, I began the process of checking myself in. This really felt like I had finally found the road to a better life.
As I worked on my issues in the hospital, it would have been easy to blame everything on my wife. The truth is that it takes a minimum of two people to create a co-dependent relationship. I looked further back, and saw at the root of it all were two issues. My oldest sister practically raised me for the first three years of my life. I can still remember the feelings of loss and abandonment when she moved away from the family home. I cannot remember being bonded to my own mother. I feel like in the family structure that I was raised in; there was nobody for me to bond with.
All through my childhood, I felt a real lack of bonding with friends. Loneliness was never very far from me, and as a teenager I had thoughts that suicide might be the only what to relieve the pain I felt inside. At this point, God revealed Himself to me in a very real way.
Becoming a Christian and serving God gave me more purpose in my life, but it did not end the loneliness that was always just a thought away. I thought that getting a girlfriend and getting married might bring relief, and it did! Well sort of. I was no longer dreadfully lonely, but I had never acquired the skill of bonding that makes a relationship really fulfilling. In my case marriage just gave me more responsibility and less time to think about being so lonely. It was a perfect setup to become fully co-dependent.
Here’s what Jesus has to say about bonding with Him:
John 15:1-17
1. I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[1] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14. You are my friends if you do what I command. 15. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit–fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17. This is my command: Love each other.
What does this scripture tell you about being connected?
How can your life be more fruitful?
How can you remain in Jesus’ love?
What is Jesus’ greatest commandment?
Is there somebody in your life that always makes you feel loved and accepted?