Month: October 2004

What does our attitude need to be about good and bad? Imagine if when we hurt somebody else, that instead of dwelling on the badness of the situation and heaping guilt and resentment upon ourselves, we reach out of ourselves in an attitude of Godly sorrow and help the ones who are hurting. What would our lives be like if we lived in a position and attitude of “no condemnation”?

The reasons that we so readily split good and bad come both from nature and nurture. We are born with a desire to be like God. If fact it is this desire that both led to Satan’s fall from heaven, and Man’s fall from the Garden of Eden.

Since it is all too true that nobody is perfect, we are raised by imperfect people. These imperfect people that we grow up with and learn from throughout our most impressionable years make quite an impression on how we perceive ourselves, our goodness and badness, as well as the goodness and badness in the world we live in.

We most likely are drawn like a magnet to marry somebody who will most complete the inequities of our personality, and so form a co-dependent relationship that pushes us even further into the dysfunction of it all.

But just how can we get it all back together? It takes Grace and Truth over much time to resolve these issues and bring tranquility back to our beings.

Confession. If we can confess our sins to one another and live with a sense of grace this will take us al long way. Once our sins are brought into the light of forgiveness and grace, we feel much better about ourselves and our state of goodness or badness.

Forgiveness. Once we realize that others will forgive our badness, it makes it all the more easy for us to forgive the badness we see in others. This circle of grace and acceptance builds a real basis for healing in our lives.

I have always felt that for the most part I have had a very good life. I have usually gotten the things I really wanted and things have generally always worked out for the best. My religious upbringing taught me such things as “All things work together for the good of those who love the lord.” I always had a sense that if I lived a life that was close to God, I couldn’t go wrong.

Then I found my life spiraling downward. The person inside me didn’t match the good person outside me. I was diagnosed as chronically depressed, but how can that be if “all things work for the good”? Even while I was taking anti-depressants, I wanted to deny the bad things that were happening to me. After all, I was one of God’s chosen “good guys”.

A closer investigation of my life revealed a deeper problem. Not only was I denying the feelings of depression, I was denying the bad things that I thought and did. In fact I was denying that there was any badness in me at all!

The fact is that there is goodness and badness in all of us. To think that we are all good or are all bad is denying a vital part of our life.

In one corner there is the Ideal Self. In the other corner is the Real Self. The ideal self is in the place of a judge over the real self. The badness that exists in the real self is unacceptable, and is condemned by the ideal self. These two are destined to be adversaries for life, unless we can step in and mediate the differences.

CHANGES THAT HEAL
Learning to set Boundaries

Since boundaries are such an important part of developing meaningful relationships, and avoiding getting trapped in co-dependency, it is important that we learn the skills involved in setting healthy boundaries. Here is a list.

Gain Awareness – Be aware of that boundary issues are important.

Define who you are – You need to be aware of who you are.

Define who you are not – What things must you say no to?

Develop the “NO” muscle – Don’t let other people define who you are.

Stop blaming others – We may not be responsible for where we are, but we are responsible for moving on.

Stop playing victim – There becomes a time when we need to move out of the role of the victim and start playing the role of the ruler of our own life.

Persevere – Keep on keeping on. One day at a time.

Become Active, Not Reactive – When you have poor boundaries, you tend to react to other’s behaviors.

Set Limits – The whole key to boundaries is healthy limits.

Choose Values – Decide what values you stand for and then stand up for them.

Practice Self-Control – Don’t let your desires (hurts habits and hang-ups) rule your life. Take a stand and rule them for a change. A good and healthy change.

Accept Others – When we have a good understanding of who we are, and what we are about, what others say or do does not effect us as much. We can lean to accept and even to love others in spite of their differences.

Realize your separateness – Being separate is a good thing. You can deal with things on your own in your own way. Time apart enhances a relationship by creating a longing.

Be Honest – As we deal honestly with each other it will bring us closer and we will be more trusting of each other.

Challenge Distorted Thinking – The truth will wet us free. Determine what is truth vs opinion, or perception. Think truthfully about yourself.

Failure to set boundaries can cause vary caustic substances to build up in our lives. These include Depression, Panic, Resentment, Passive-Aggressive Behavior, Codependency, Identity Confusion, Difficulties with Aloneness, Masochism, Victim Mentality, Blaming, Overresponsibility, Guilt, Underresponsibility, Feelings of Obligation, Feelings of being Let Down, Isolation, Extreme Dependency, Disorganization, Lack of Direction, Substance Abuse, Eating Disorders, Procrastination, Impulsivity, Generalized Anxiety, and Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior.

Whew! That’s quite a laundry list. Most of us can relate to several. Boundaries simply means that you know who you are, and who you aren’t. You realize that although other people can influence your decision, they shouldn’t be dictating your decisions. You should also not be dictating the decisions of others.

I could pick several areas of my life to share from. Probably the one that effected my life the most overall was Codependency.

When I was dating my first wife (I was just a teenager) I saw myself as a stronger Christian than her. I thought that she was a person who could really use a strong Christian in her life to help her along and prompt her to serve God more (or at least more like me). She was like a missionfield to me. As our relationship continued, it seemed like it was logically going toward marriage. I also took on myself more and more responsibility for her happiness and I sacrificed many of my values and took her value for my own. I had no idea that this was just the beginning of a long and co-dependent relationship.

Learning boundaries is important. Applying boundaries to an already codependent relationship can be fatal. If you find yourself in this place, seek professional help (Online Counseling could be a good place to start). Don’t live life alone. If you need help, go find it.

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