Month: December 2004

We recently attended a Christmas party with a “white elephant” gift exchange. The purpose is not to give or receive a gift of any particular value, but just to have a fun exchange. We ended up with quite a potpourri of trinkets none of which seemed to be of much value.
Earlier today my wife was going through these gifts and came across a picture of sailboats sailing a tropical sea at sunset. At first glance it didn’t seem like much, and she asked me if I was particularly attached to it. I surprised her when I sail that I really liked the painting. I admired its composition and even the brush strokes. She commented back that it was just a cheap print. I replied that although this is true, I still saw value in the painting, and wanted to keep it.
Our lives are much like a painting. Each hour of our lives adds a few more brushstrokes. As the strokes of the brush are added by the Creator, the patterns and texture may not seem to make much sense at first. But to the Creator the beauty added by each stroke is considered as he crafts the painting as a whole. The beauties of some paintings are found in their simplicity.
What are you living for? The life that lives in us is much more complex than a two dimensional painting. Much more complex! We were made in God’s image. We were created to be creative. We were created to have dominion over our world and live as an adult in a world with other adults. When we look at life like this, it takes on a whole new dimension and meaning. We can let go of those things we are clinging to that give us a comfort based on past experiences. Reach out for what is ahead of us. Strive to change what is in your power to change. Challenge yourself to be creative just as God is creative.
Changes That Heal is a book designed to lead you into meaningful relationships with yourself, others and God. You may think that this is backwards based on what you have learned in the past. Aren’t we supposed to put God first and self last? I challenge you that we must learn to love ourselves first, and thus allow us the healing in our lives that we can reach out to others, and through all this God will naturally be honored and receive worship. How can we “love our neighbors as ourselves” if we don’t love ourselves?

Has this book challenged you to see your life differently?

Can you see where you need to make changes?

How has this book changed how you relate to other people?

Do you see the need for more defined boundaries in your life?

Can you accept the goodness and badness that exists in yourself and others?

Are you ready to assert dominion over your own domain?

The way we perceive ourselves and others can often get us “stuck” at a particular stage of our development. These perceptions need to be explored and challenged so that we can see the error in continuing to think of ourselves and others in this manner. Here are several examples of distorted thinking. We may not be able to rid our lives of them all, but we can certainly gain from recognizing their power in our lives.

Our View of Ourselves:
I am bad if they don’t approve of me. That proves it.
I am less than others.
I must please others to be liked.
I am bad if I disagree.
My opinions are not as good.
I have no right to my opinions.
I must get permission from others to
I am bad if I fail.
I shouldn’t feel so sexual.
Sexual feelings are bad.
My plans will never succeed.
I should defer to their beliefs, even though I disagree.
I need someone else to manage my life. I am not capable enough.
If I differ, I am wrong.
I think they should
I shouldn’t let myself feel
I am better than they are.
My group is the right group.
We really have the best theology.
Our ministry is the only real one.
I know what’s best for them.
I know better than them.
I could never teach him or her anything.
Adulthood is out of my grasp.

Our View of Others:
They are all disapproving and critical.
They are better than me.
They will like me better if I am compliant.
They think that I am wrong or bad for disagreeing.
Their opinions are always right.
They will think I am bad for failing.
They have no weaknesses.
They never fail like I do.
____ is easy for them.
Their beliefs are better than mine.
They know what’s best for me.
They never feel ____ .
They know everything.
They are never this afraid, or mad, or sad, or _____ .
They will hate me for standing up to them.

Our View of God:
God likes for me to be nice to everyone.
God wants me to always defer to my authorities, never question-
God does not want me to run my own life. He wants my “leaders” to do that.
God disapproves of me when I fail, just as my parents disapproved.
God does not like me to be aggressive.
God does not like me to disagree with the pastor.
God does not allow me freedom to choose some of my own values. They are all prescribed in the Bible. There are no gray areas.
God thinks others are more (or less) important than me.
God wants me to adhere to a bunch of rules.
God likes discipline and sacrifice more than compassion, love, and relationship.

Our View of the World:
Competition is bad; someone always gets hurt.
Disagreement is bad; someone always gets hurt.
Conflict is bad; someone always loses.
There is no such thing as a “win-win” relationship.
People who are people-pleasers are liked better than people who say what they think.
Everything has a “right answer.” Especially since we have the Bible.
There is a right and wrong way of seeing everything. Perspective makes no difference.
Flexibility is license and lawlessness.
Sexuality is evil.
There is a right and a wrong way to do everything.
It will never work.

These heartfelt convictions about God, self, and others that many of us have learned through experience are barriers to becoming an adult. Some of them we probably learned in the family we grew up in; others are just a part of the pre-adult mind. In any event, they can only be overcome with work, risk, prayer, relationship, and practice. The next chapter will explore the skills needed to become an adult.

Remember the Robin Williams character Mork? He had an advantage over us in that he was born an adult, and as he got older, became more childish. Perhaps life would be easier if we could do that.

I can remember all my childhood thinking about how things would be when I finally grew up. For the most part, my parents left me alone, and I had to determine out how to do life mostly on my own. Many people hear things from their parents so much as a kid, that when they leave home, they can still hear their parent’s voices telling them what to do and how to do it. It is these voices that we need to recognize, and learn to start doing things our own way and not feel like we are usurping our parent’s authority while we are doing it.

Chapter 15 includes a description of many of these voices and how they are affecting our lives as adults. People who have any experience with ACA (Adult Children Anonymous) may recognize several of these things, but they are certainly not limited to adult children of alcoholics.

Inordinate need for approval Fear of disapproval

Guilt Sexual struggles

Fear of failure Need for permission

Feelings of inferiority Competitiveness

Loss of power No equal differences

Black-and-White thinking Judgementalism

Anxiety attacks Impulsiveness and inhibition

Superiority Parenting others

Hate for authority figures Depression

Dependency Idealization of authority

Idealization of childhood

Take a look at the list of distorted thinking on page 241. I see many similarities to the list of Adult Child Characteristics.