The way we perceive ourselves and others can often get us “stuck” at a particular stage of our development. These perceptions need to be explored and challenged so that we can see the error in continuing to think of ourselves and others in this manner. Here are several examples of distorted thinking. We may not be able to rid our lives of them all, but we can certainly gain from recognizing their power in our lives.
Our View of Ourselves:
I am bad if they don’t approve of me. That proves it.
I am less than others.
I must please others to be liked.
I am bad if I disagree.
My opinions are not as good.
I have no right to my opinions.
I must get permission from others to
I am bad if I fail.
I shouldn’t feel so sexual.
Sexual feelings are bad.
My plans will never succeed.
I should defer to their beliefs, even though I disagree.
I need someone else to manage my life. I am not capable enough.
If I differ, I am wrong.
I think they should
I shouldn’t let myself feel
I am better than they are.
My group is the right group.
We really have the best theology.
Our ministry is the only real one.
I know what’s best for them.
I know better than them.
I could never teach him or her anything.
Adulthood is out of my grasp.
Our View of Others:
They are all disapproving and critical.
They are better than me.
They will like me better if I am compliant.
They think that I am wrong or bad for disagreeing.
Their opinions are always right.
They will think I am bad for failing.
They have no weaknesses.
They never fail like I do.
____ is easy for them.
Their beliefs are better than mine.
They know what’s best for me.
They never feel ____ .
They know everything.
They are never this afraid, or mad, or sad, or _____ .
They will hate me for standing up to them.
Our View of God:
God likes for me to be nice to everyone.
God wants me to always defer to my authorities, never question-
God does not want me to run my own life. He wants my “leaders” to do that.
God disapproves of me when I fail, just as my parents disapproved.
God does not like me to be aggressive.
God does not like me to disagree with the pastor.
God does not allow me freedom to choose some of my own values. They are all prescribed in the Bible. There are no gray areas.
God thinks others are more (or less) important than me.
God wants me to adhere to a bunch of rules.
God likes discipline and sacrifice more than compassion, love, and relationship.
Our View of the World:
Competition is bad; someone always gets hurt.
Disagreement is bad; someone always gets hurt.
Conflict is bad; someone always loses.
There is no such thing as a “win-win” relationship.
People who are people-pleasers are liked better than people who say what they think.
Everything has a “right answer.” Especially since we have the Bible.
There is a right and wrong way of seeing everything. Perspective makes no difference.
Flexibility is license and lawlessness.
Sexuality is evil.
There is a right and a wrong way to do everything.
It will never work.
These heartfelt convictions about God, self, and others that many of us have learned through experience are barriers to becoming an adult. Some of them we probably learned in the family we grew up in; others are just a part of the pre-adult mind. In any event, they can only be overcome with work, risk, prayer, relationship, and practice. The next chapter will explore the skills needed to become an adult.