Author: Ron Miller

We recently attended a Christmas party with a “white elephant” gift exchange. The purpose is not to give or receive a gift of any particular value, but just to have a fun exchange. We ended up with quite a potpourri of trinkets none of which seemed to be of much value.
Earlier today my wife was going through these gifts and came across a picture of sailboats sailing a tropical sea at sunset. At first glance it didn’t seem like much, and she asked me if I was particularly attached to it. I surprised her when I sail that I really liked the painting. I admired its composition and even the brush strokes. She commented back that it was just a cheap print. I replied that although this is true, I still saw value in the painting, and wanted to keep it.
Our lives are much like a painting. Each hour of our lives adds a few more brushstrokes. As the strokes of the brush are added by the Creator, the patterns and texture may not seem to make much sense at first. But to the Creator the beauty added by each stroke is considered as he crafts the painting as a whole. The beauties of some paintings are found in their simplicity.
What are you living for? The life that lives in us is much more complex than a two dimensional painting. Much more complex! We were made in God’s image. We were created to be creative. We were created to have dominion over our world and live as an adult in a world with other adults. When we look at life like this, it takes on a whole new dimension and meaning. We can let go of those things we are clinging to that give us a comfort based on past experiences. Reach out for what is ahead of us. Strive to change what is in your power to change. Challenge yourself to be creative just as God is creative.
Changes That Heal is a book designed to lead you into meaningful relationships with yourself, others and God. You may think that this is backwards based on what you have learned in the past. Aren’t we supposed to put God first and self last? I challenge you that we must learn to love ourselves first, and thus allow us the healing in our lives that we can reach out to others, and through all this God will naturally be honored and receive worship. How can we “love our neighbors as ourselves” if we don’t love ourselves?

Has this book challenged you to see your life differently?

Can you see where you need to make changes?

How has this book changed how you relate to other people?

Do you see the need for more defined boundaries in your life?

Can you accept the goodness and badness that exists in yourself and others?

Are you ready to assert dominion over your own domain?

The way we perceive ourselves and others can often get us “stuck” at a particular stage of our development. These perceptions need to be explored and challenged so that we can see the error in continuing to think of ourselves and others in this manner. Here are several examples of distorted thinking. We may not be able to rid our lives of them all, but we can certainly gain from recognizing their power in our lives.

Our View of Ourselves:
I am bad if they don’t approve of me. That proves it.
I am less than others.
I must please others to be liked.
I am bad if I disagree.
My opinions are not as good.
I have no right to my opinions.
I must get permission from others to
I am bad if I fail.
I shouldn’t feel so sexual.
Sexual feelings are bad.
My plans will never succeed.
I should defer to their beliefs, even though I disagree.
I need someone else to manage my life. I am not capable enough.
If I differ, I am wrong.
I think they should
I shouldn’t let myself feel
I am better than they are.
My group is the right group.
We really have the best theology.
Our ministry is the only real one.
I know what’s best for them.
I know better than them.
I could never teach him or her anything.
Adulthood is out of my grasp.

Our View of Others:
They are all disapproving and critical.
They are better than me.
They will like me better if I am compliant.
They think that I am wrong or bad for disagreeing.
Their opinions are always right.
They will think I am bad for failing.
They have no weaknesses.
They never fail like I do.
____ is easy for them.
Their beliefs are better than mine.
They know what’s best for me.
They never feel ____ .
They know everything.
They are never this afraid, or mad, or sad, or _____ .
They will hate me for standing up to them.

Our View of God:
God likes for me to be nice to everyone.
God wants me to always defer to my authorities, never question-
God does not want me to run my own life. He wants my “leaders” to do that.
God disapproves of me when I fail, just as my parents disapproved.
God does not like me to be aggressive.
God does not like me to disagree with the pastor.
God does not allow me freedom to choose some of my own values. They are all prescribed in the Bible. There are no gray areas.
God thinks others are more (or less) important than me.
God wants me to adhere to a bunch of rules.
God likes discipline and sacrifice more than compassion, love, and relationship.

Our View of the World:
Competition is bad; someone always gets hurt.
Disagreement is bad; someone always gets hurt.
Conflict is bad; someone always loses.
There is no such thing as a “win-win” relationship.
People who are people-pleasers are liked better than people who say what they think.
Everything has a “right answer.” Especially since we have the Bible.
There is a right and wrong way of seeing everything. Perspective makes no difference.
Flexibility is license and lawlessness.
Sexuality is evil.
There is a right and a wrong way to do everything.
It will never work.

These heartfelt convictions about God, self, and others that many of us have learned through experience are barriers to becoming an adult. Some of them we probably learned in the family we grew up in; others are just a part of the pre-adult mind. In any event, they can only be overcome with work, risk, prayer, relationship, and practice. The next chapter will explore the skills needed to become an adult.

Remember the Robin Williams character Mork? He had an advantage over us in that he was born an adult, and as he got older, became more childish. Perhaps life would be easier if we could do that.

I can remember all my childhood thinking about how things would be when I finally grew up. For the most part, my parents left me alone, and I had to determine out how to do life mostly on my own. Many people hear things from their parents so much as a kid, that when they leave home, they can still hear their parent’s voices telling them what to do and how to do it. It is these voices that we need to recognize, and learn to start doing things our own way and not feel like we are usurping our parent’s authority while we are doing it.

Chapter 15 includes a description of many of these voices and how they are affecting our lives as adults. People who have any experience with ACA (Adult Children Anonymous) may recognize several of these things, but they are certainly not limited to adult children of alcoholics.

Inordinate need for approval Fear of disapproval

Guilt Sexual struggles

Fear of failure Need for permission

Feelings of inferiority Competitiveness

Loss of power No equal differences

Black-and-White thinking Judgementalism

Anxiety attacks Impulsiveness and inhibition

Superiority Parenting others

Hate for authority figures Depression

Dependency Idealization of authority

Idealization of childhood

Take a look at the list of distorted thinking on page 241. I see many similarities to the list of Adult Child Characteristics.

What does it mean to be an adult? Now we can stay up late, we don’t have to ask momma’s permission to go to a friend’s house, we can choose not to eat our vegetables etc.

While these are all valid choices that we can make, they are not all necessarily good choices. I have spent many years not eating my vegetables, and turned out overweight and old before my time. Luckily for me, God extended His grace to me and has helped me to re-make my body. For those of you who don’t see me regularly, so far I have lost over 25 lbs, and am still working slowly and steadily to a more health body and lifestyle.

As adults we take responsibility for our own domain. God has given us our own unique position and space in life and society that is ours to do with as we please – or not. The problem is that we still may advocate responsibility to others. Perhaps it’s the voice of mom you still hear in your head, and that keeps you from doing things your own unique way in your domain.

When we are born, we are a little person in a big person’s world. It can take a long time for us to overcome this feeling and grow into to the position God has ordained for us in His kingdom. It used to be said in the Evangelistic community that “God loves you, and has a wonderful plan for your life”. This is so true. Where we struggle is in the acceptance of God’s plan, and living our lives in a manner which is mindful of it.

As we deal with other people, much of our attitude is based on our early training. We need to learn to treat others with respect. The imbalance here is that we act like we have one up on the other person, or we feel that we are constantly one down from them. The fact is that in God’s eyes we are equal no matter what stations life has brought us through, and if we can learn to see each other through God’s eyes of Grace and Truth we can have the inner peace that come from bring right with God.

What areas of your life do you need to take charge of?

What issues in your life have been caused by other people? Is there anything they can do to fix that issue now?

In what situations do you feel “one down”?

In what situations do you feel “one up”?

Typically our lives are not improved without an effort. The good ol’ four letter word W_O_R_K. Bringing sanity and completeness to our lives by proper integrating the good and bad is no different. Here are some things we can do to help the process:

PRAY. David’s prayer in Psalms 139 says it best. “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts see if there is any offensive way in me , and lead me in the way everlasting” Ask God to shine his light into your soul and reveal anything that you are unaware of. Then ask his forgiveness for it.

Rework the Ideal – Much of the content of our ideal self is false; it is not what an ideal person would be. Check out what needs to be eliminated from your picture of what an ideal you would be. You may need to delete some ideals that come from your family or the culture, instead of from God.

Rework Distortions – Challenge your distorted views of God, yourself, and others. These strongly held beliefs don’t give way easily, but in new relationships, you can unlearn them. Study the Scriptures to see what they say about our ideal, our reality, and what God and salvation are really like.

Monitor the Relationship Between the Ideal and the Real – Listen to the way you respond to the less than ideal. Do you deny it? Do you deny the good? Do you attack and judge? Do you accept and forgive? Many people are stunned to find out how much they attack themselves and others.

Practice Loving the Less than Ideal in Others – Learning to accept badness and weakness in others brings healing in the split of the good and bad. Stay connected to others when they are less than ideal, and you will begin to value real relationship and stop demanding idealism. In this way, attachment increases, and your ability to love grows. The less than ideal begins to matter more than the ideal because you have a real relationship.

Do Not Discard Others When They Are Less Than Perfect – If you have had trouble with going from friend to friend, spouse to spouse, church to church, because you find some little flaw and make them all bad, work on staying in connection and working out the problem. Actively see the good as well as the bad, and love the whole person. Make reality your friend instead of your enemy.

Process and Value Negative Feelings – When you are committed to reality, to both the good and the bad, you will begin to see negative feelings as a part of life. If you fear them less, you can then process them as they arise and avoid all the problems listed in the last chapter. Most problems with negative feelings come from a fear about them. They really are not as bad as you fear they are. Negative feelings will not kill you, but avoiding them may.

Expect Badness and Weakness from Everyone – I’m not suggesting you turn into a pessimist. I’m saying, “Be a realist.” Everyone you know, including yourself, has good and bad, strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, expect to see them in action. When the faults come, embrace them and love them so that you can overcome your splitting of good and bad as well as feel closer to others.

Expect Faults from the Creation – Because the world is real, not ideal, everything can eventually break down. Every holiday you plan can potentially get rained out. Every plant you grow will have some dead leaves. Expect things to go wrong, and you will not be surprised. You will be able to value that less-than-ideal car, house, city that you have or live in. It may not be ideal, but it’s probably good enough.

What does our attitude need to be about good and bad? Imagine if when we hurt somebody else, that instead of dwelling on the badness of the situation and heaping guilt and resentment upon ourselves, we reach out of ourselves in an attitude of Godly sorrow and help the ones who are hurting. What would our lives be like if we lived in a position and attitude of “no condemnation”?

The reasons that we so readily split good and bad come both from nature and nurture. We are born with a desire to be like God. If fact it is this desire that both led to Satan’s fall from heaven, and Man’s fall from the Garden of Eden.

Since it is all too true that nobody is perfect, we are raised by imperfect people. These imperfect people that we grow up with and learn from throughout our most impressionable years make quite an impression on how we perceive ourselves, our goodness and badness, as well as the goodness and badness in the world we live in.

We most likely are drawn like a magnet to marry somebody who will most complete the inequities of our personality, and so form a co-dependent relationship that pushes us even further into the dysfunction of it all.

But just how can we get it all back together? It takes Grace and Truth over much time to resolve these issues and bring tranquility back to our beings.

Confession. If we can confess our sins to one another and live with a sense of grace this will take us al long way. Once our sins are brought into the light of forgiveness and grace, we feel much better about ourselves and our state of goodness or badness.

Forgiveness. Once we realize that others will forgive our badness, it makes it all the more easy for us to forgive the badness we see in others. This circle of grace and acceptance builds a real basis for healing in our lives.

I have always felt that for the most part I have had a very good life. I have usually gotten the things I really wanted and things have generally always worked out for the best. My religious upbringing taught me such things as “All things work together for the good of those who love the lord.” I always had a sense that if I lived a life that was close to God, I couldn’t go wrong.

Then I found my life spiraling downward. The person inside me didn’t match the good person outside me. I was diagnosed as chronically depressed, but how can that be if “all things work for the good”? Even while I was taking anti-depressants, I wanted to deny the bad things that were happening to me. After all, I was one of God’s chosen “good guys”.

A closer investigation of my life revealed a deeper problem. Not only was I denying the feelings of depression, I was denying the bad things that I thought and did. In fact I was denying that there was any badness in me at all!

The fact is that there is goodness and badness in all of us. To think that we are all good or are all bad is denying a vital part of our life.

In one corner there is the Ideal Self. In the other corner is the Real Self. The ideal self is in the place of a judge over the real self. The badness that exists in the real self is unacceptable, and is condemned by the ideal self. These two are destined to be adversaries for life, unless we can step in and mediate the differences.