Author: Ron Miller

CHANGES THAT HEAL
Learning to set Boundaries

Since boundaries are such an important part of developing meaningful relationships, and avoiding getting trapped in co-dependency, it is important that we learn the skills involved in setting healthy boundaries. Here is a list.

Gain Awareness – Be aware of that boundary issues are important.

Define who you are – You need to be aware of who you are.

Define who you are not – What things must you say no to?

Develop the “NO” muscle – Don’t let other people define who you are.

Stop blaming others – We may not be responsible for where we are, but we are responsible for moving on.

Stop playing victim – There becomes a time when we need to move out of the role of the victim and start playing the role of the ruler of our own life.

Persevere – Keep on keeping on. One day at a time.

Become Active, Not Reactive – When you have poor boundaries, you tend to react to other’s behaviors.

Set Limits – The whole key to boundaries is healthy limits.

Choose Values – Decide what values you stand for and then stand up for them.

Practice Self-Control – Don’t let your desires (hurts habits and hang-ups) rule your life. Take a stand and rule them for a change. A good and healthy change.

Accept Others – When we have a good understanding of who we are, and what we are about, what others say or do does not effect us as much. We can lean to accept and even to love others in spite of their differences.

Realize your separateness – Being separate is a good thing. You can deal with things on your own in your own way. Time apart enhances a relationship by creating a longing.

Be Honest – As we deal honestly with each other it will bring us closer and we will be more trusting of each other.

Challenge Distorted Thinking – The truth will wet us free. Determine what is truth vs opinion, or perception. Think truthfully about yourself.

Failure to set boundaries can cause vary caustic substances to build up in our lives. These include Depression, Panic, Resentment, Passive-Aggressive Behavior, Codependency, Identity Confusion, Difficulties with Aloneness, Masochism, Victim Mentality, Blaming, Overresponsibility, Guilt, Underresponsibility, Feelings of Obligation, Feelings of being Let Down, Isolation, Extreme Dependency, Disorganization, Lack of Direction, Substance Abuse, Eating Disorders, Procrastination, Impulsivity, Generalized Anxiety, and Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior.

Whew! That’s quite a laundry list. Most of us can relate to several. Boundaries simply means that you know who you are, and who you aren’t. You realize that although other people can influence your decision, they shouldn’t be dictating your decisions. You should also not be dictating the decisions of others.

I could pick several areas of my life to share from. Probably the one that effected my life the most overall was Codependency.

When I was dating my first wife (I was just a teenager) I saw myself as a stronger Christian than her. I thought that she was a person who could really use a strong Christian in her life to help her along and prompt her to serve God more (or at least more like me). She was like a missionfield to me. As our relationship continued, it seemed like it was logically going toward marriage. I also took on myself more and more responsibility for her happiness and I sacrificed many of my values and took her value for my own. I had no idea that this was just the beginning of a long and co-dependent relationship.

Learning boundaries is important. Applying boundaries to an already codependent relationship can be fatal. If you find yourself in this place, seek professional help (Online Counseling could be a good place to start). Don’t live life alone. If you need help, go find it.

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If you have a son or daughter living at home long after the age they should be independent, you need to ask yourself “why?”. With the affluence of our society, it’s often easy to allow them to live at home spending our money rather than pushing them out of the nest on their own. Take a look at Harold (page 132). Harold’s daughter spends her time playing tennis at the club because she has daddy’s trust fund to live off of.

Do you let people’s thoughts dictate your life? What you wear? (“You are NOT going out dressed like THAT.” Or “Hey I see the wife dressed you again this morning.”) Perhaps in moderation this is a good thing, but to take it to the extreme could cause you to go fully agoraphobic.

How about places in life? “I wish I could swim like Mark.” Or wealth. How would it make you feel if your neighbor won the lottery, or landed a cushy six figure job?

Do you use guilt or manipulation to change other people’s choices? How many times have you allowed your decisions to be changed based on other people manipulating you?

These are all subtle areas of boundaries. The more we can take ownership of how we feel, and allow others the freedom to feel as they wish, the happier and more content we become.

Sometimes we may want to help another person change their point of view through some sort of manipulation. In these times we must realize that the ultimate decision is up to the individual, and not us for them. If we can be at peace with this, our contentment will grow.

Do you tend to manipulate others?

How do you feel when others disagree with you?

Do you find yourself wanting (coveting) what another person has?

Do you think everybody should make the same choices as you do?

How can you find peace with other people who are different than you?

Would you wear my tie-dye shirt out in public?

Have you ever driven through a neighborhood where there were no fences between properties? I was looking at one today. Each house had a little island of play toys for the kids (swing set, jungle gym, kid swimming pool, etc) centered in the middle of each yard. This looked a bit odd to me since where I grew up, every yard had a fence, and we all knew better than to enter into somebody else’s yard. Why do you suppose it was always right in the middle?

I have heard of school districts where they didn’t want the kids to feel “fenced in” so they removed the fences all around the playground. The result was eye-opening. The children no longer played all over the playground, but instead stayed huddled together right in the middle. The removal of the fences instead of giving the kids more freedom, caused them to feel less secure, and they instinctively played close to the middle.

These two examples have something in common. Without well defined and secure boundaries we tend to stay away from the edges where we can enjoy fellowship and bonding with each other, and isolate to the center of ourselves. When we are not sure where one person ends, and the other person begins, we have to keep our distance to feel save and secure.

“Having good boundaries” means that you know who you are, and what feelings, emotions, and actions you can accept, or reject from others. You also know that you cannot invade the feeling, emotions, or space of others. Do you change the things you do just to make somebody else feel better? If you feel like you have no choice in the matter, than you are allowing that person to own a piece of you that you need to take ownership for yourself.

Check out the “yard” around your life. Is it fenced? Do your “neighbors” respect your space? Do you respect theirs? These become very important questions to face as we interrelate with others and enjoy the bonding with those whom God has brought into our lives.

Those of us who are old enough to remember the comedian Flip Wilson know that his most famous line is “The devil made me do it”. This is very much how many people lead their lives.

Having good boundaries not only means that you know who you are, but you know that you have full control of the choices you make. When I was raising my kids, it was common for them to get locked into one course of action. The want what they want when they want it. They think that it just has to be done this way, and right now, or the world as they know it will end. This just isn’t the case. In my experience the sun has always come up in the morning no matter what has happened the day before.

When we own up to the choices we make without excuse, we are showing that we know exactly who we are because we know where the boundaries are laid. We know who we are, and even if we can’t explain exactly why we may have done it, we freely own the fact that we have done something.

When we love somebody, we love their boundaries. We don’t make choices for others, and we don’t make excuses for others. We don’t enable others to deny their selves, or to live in a world without boundaries.

There are two basic problems we have with boundaries. People who are weaker willed who freely allow others to walk right in and take control, and there are those who don’t recognize boundaries and feel free to move right in on others. We must strive to live our lives with strong boundaries protecting ourselves, and respecting the boundaries of others even when they may not be projecting any.

CHANGES THAT HEAL

I have to sadly admit that the first time I heard a talk on boundaries it all went over my head, and I didn’t get a thing about the subject. Happily this is no longer true. The reason that the subject sounded so foreign to me was that I was in a very very co-dependent relationship. Co-dependency is just the opposite of boundaries.

Boundaries are what makes you you and not me. It is like the skin on your body that keeps all of the gooey stuff inside of us where it belongs. Boundaries is like the fence that divides your property from your neighbors. Good boundaries are well defined, and secure from the things that we do not want to penetrate them. Boundaries are our realization that we are our own person apart from others.

Your personal boundaries are many.

Physical space. How do you feel when I am standing too close?

Attitudes. You don’t feel the same way about things as I do.

Feelings. Nobody can MAKE you feel a certain way unless you let them.

Behavior. We certainly don’t behave the same way.

Thoughts. Do you know what I am thinking?

Abilities. We all have different talents.

Desires. Why do you want something different than I want?

Choices. We always have opportunities for different options.

Limits. We may let some people closer than others.

What if we were all the same?

What makes you different than any other human God created?