Author: Ron Miller

We cannot grow when we no longer participate in life. When life deals its inevitable hurts into our lives and we naturally want to retreat. Our place of retreat is usually some kind of self-made dungeon where we can feel sorry for ourselves and mope in the privacy of our own dark corner of isolation. To pass the time there, we may self-medicate ourselves with whatever we think might make us feel “just a little bit better”.

This self medication comes in many forms. If could be alcohol, drugs, food, workaholism, or whatever takes our mind off of the troubles. For me, my drug of choice was extreme religion. I wasn’t a wild-eyed radical who stood on street corners spouting hellfire and damnation to all who passed by. No, I simply convinced myself that if I put my trust in Jesus, I could live a life that is problem free. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Problems are an ever present part of every person’s life. Jesus came to give us grace to make it through the problems, not necessarily to deliver us from them.

When others come near our dungeon and try to draw us out, we often become more defensive, and perhaps display anger or other emotions that help the strengthen the walls of the dungeon we live in and make the isolation more complete. The last thing we want is to see a joyful person around us when we just want to be left alone. Alone and miserable.

As we begin to open the windows and doors to our dungeons and let the light of relationships shine in, we will first feel uncomfortable. It has been perhaps a long time since we have seen the light of day, or experienced the warmth of the sunshine against our skin. But the way to ultimately end the misery and find fulfillment in our lives is to let the sunlight begin to shine in on our dungeons. This light is the relationship we have with other people and the warmth of a real and lasting bond. You need to find safe people to relate with and begin to enjoy life in the light of healthy relationships.

When you have lived most of your life in a dark, dank dungeon, you can’t bear to just jump out into the light of day. You need to be sure that there is no present danger to you first, and then begin the journey to living life in the light.

Do you recognize the dungeon that you have created?

How much time do you spend there?

What causes you to retreat to your dungeon?

How do you treat others when you have set up residence in your dungeon?

Do you believe there is a life full of light and warmth waiting for you?

Do you know how to recognize the safe people in your life?

It seems like the word that best describes my childhood is isolation. Whether I was truly isolated, or if it was simply a perceived situation I cannot say. I had older siblings, two of which had moved out by the time I was four, and two who still lived at home but were at least 6 year older than I.

The most remembered words that I feel I heard as a child when entering the room were “You better put your things up, here comes Ronnie”. Other peoples things as well as their lives were mostly off limits to me. I was left to have my own toys, and my own world to play in.

When I started school, relating to other kids came hard for me. It was no wonder that by the time I was in my teens, I was suffering from excruciating loneliness. My life was lived mostly in isolation until my thirties or fourties when I discovered the need to have other people in my life.

Bonding still doesn’t come easily for me. I much prefer a quiet location by myself to a noisy room full of people. Sometimes I even can feel overwhelmed when in a noisy and busy location. But there is still nothing I enjoy more than a nice walk, or a quiet drive with my soul mate discussing our thoughts and feelings with each other. To me this feels like how life was meant to be.

I don’t think we can truly fine peace with ourselves, or with our maker until we can experience the true joy of bonding with another person. We feel best able to handle the complex issues that life hands us when we can do so in the context of a caring community of people.

Sorting out our past hurts and issues is crucial to our growth and health. The very best way to do it is when you share the load with other safe and caring people. If you are in a 12 step program, this is done in steps 5 and 6.

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When my life was at its lowest point I had been under doctor’s care for chronic depression for three years. Long before the doctor had diagnosed depression I felt the despair that loneliness and a lack of any true bonded relationship brings. I really had no idea why I felt as bad as I did, and I felt I had no reason to feel that way. I was a fully committed Christian, and I had two of the most beautiful daughters that God has ever created. I enjoyed the freedom of being self employed, and had dozens of clients that thought highly of the service that I provided them.

It was in the midst of this crisis in my life that I was first introduced to the life changing principles that are contained in the book Changes the Heal by Henry Cloud. The emptiness that my life had become felt like it was consuming more and more of whatever goodness I felt in life. A friend introduced me to a book called Love is a Choice by Frank Minrth and Paul Meier. This book spoke to the co-dependency that defined my marriage of 19 ½ years. I needed help, and I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to get it. I could see that there was hope out there someplace; I just needed to find my way there.

I picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-NEW-LIFE. The counselor on the other end listened to me, and told me that there was indeed help available. After working out the issues of insurance, I began the process of checking myself in. This really felt like I had finally found the road to a better life.

As I worked on my issues in the hospital, it would have been easy to blame everything on my wife. The truth is that it takes a minimum of two people to create a co-dependent relationship. I looked further back, and saw at the root of it all were two issues. My oldest sister practically raised me for the first three years of my life. I can still remember the feelings of loss and abandonment when she moved away from the family home. I cannot remember being bonded to my own mother. I feel like in the family structure that I was raised in; there was nobody for me to bond with.

All through my childhood, I felt a real lack of bonding with friends. Loneliness was never very far from me, and as a teenager I had thoughts that suicide might be the only what to relieve the pain I felt inside. At this point, God revealed Himself to me in a very real way.

Becoming a Christian and serving God gave me more purpose in my life, but it did not end the loneliness that was always just a thought away. I thought that getting a girlfriend and getting married might bring relief, and it did! Well sort of. I was no longer dreadfully lonely, but I had never acquired the skill of bonding that makes a relationship really fulfilling. In my case marriage just gave me more responsibility and less time to think about being so lonely. It was a perfect setup to become fully co-dependent.

Here’s what Jesus has to say about bonding with Him:

John 15:1-17

1. I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[1] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14. You are my friends if you do what I command. 15. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit–fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17. This is my command: Love each other.

What does this scripture tell you about being connected?

How can your life be more fruitful?

How can you remain in Jesus’ love?

What is Jesus’ greatest commandment?

Is there somebody in your life that always makes you feel loved and accepted?

Luke 13:6-8
6. Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. 7. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
8. ‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. 9. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.'”

In this Parable Jesus points out the importance of grace truth and time in the recovery process. In many ways our lives have become like the tree. Unproductive and fruitless. We anesthetize ourselves with alcohol, drugs, sex, or whatever feels good in order to feel like surviving. In truth, when our lives become like this, we are just wasting space in the master’s garden. It would be better that we were cut down, and the space we take up could be used by other hopefully more fruitful plants.

The Master Gardener takes a look at the tree through the eyes of grace. He knows just what it will take to get the tree back on track. Instead of seeing a withering tree that bears no fruit, he sees how the tree can look. Full of life and bearing much fruit.

He will dig around the roots, and break up the hard ground that had compacted over many years of neglect. This will release the bondage that the tree is in, and allow it to spread out its roots over a larger area. He will also add nutrients to the soil that will renew the life of the tree.

Over a period of time, this tree will come back living a life that is full, and bearing much fruit. Isn’t that what we want for our lives?