Changes That Heal – Page 2 – WWG1WGA

Failing to set Boundaries

Failure to set boundaries can cause vary caustic substances to build up in our lives. These include Depression, Panic, Resentment, Passive-Aggressive Behavior, Codependency, Identity Confusion, Difficulties with Aloneness, Masochism, Victim Mentality, Blaming, Overresponsibility, Guilt, Underresponsibility, Feelings of Obligation, Feelings of being Let Down, Isolation, Extreme Dependency, Disorganization, Lack of Direction, Substance Abuse, Eating Disorders, Procrastination, Impulsivity, Generalized Anxiety, and Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior.

Whew! That’s quite a laundry list. Most of us can relate to several. Boundaries simply means that you know who you are, and who you aren’t. You realize that although other people can influence your decision, they shouldn’t be dictating your decisions. You should also not be dictating the decisions of others.

I could pick several areas of my life to share from. Probably the one that effected my life the most overall was Codependency.

When I was dating my first wife (I was just a teenager) I saw myself as a stronger Christian than her. I thought that she was a person who could really use a strong Christian in her life to help her along and prompt her to serve God more (or at least more like me). She was like a missionfield to me. As our relationship continued, it seemed like it was logically going toward marriage. I also took on myself more and more responsibility for her happiness and I sacrificed many of my values and took her value for my own. I had no idea that this was just the beginning of a long and co-dependent relationship.

Learning boundaries is important. Applying boundaries to an already codependent relationship can be fatal. If you find yourself in this place, seek professional help (Online Counseling could be a good place to start). Don’t live life alone. If you need help, go find it.

Own your Behaviors, Thoughts, Abilities and Choices

If you have a son or daughter living at home long after the age they should be independent, you need to ask yourself “why?”. With the affluence of our society, it’s often easy to allow them to live at home spending our money rather than pushing them out of the nest on their own. Take a look at Harold (page 132). Harold’s daughter spends her time playing tennis at the club because she has daddy’s trust fund to live off of.

Do you let people’s thoughts dictate your life? What you wear? (“You are NOT going out dressed like THAT.” Or “Hey I see the wife dressed you again this morning.”) Perhaps in moderation this is a good thing, but to take it to the extreme could cause you to go fully agoraphobic.

How about places in life? “I wish I could swim like Mark.” Or wealth. How would it make you feel if your neighbor won the lottery, or landed a cushy six figure job?

Do you use guilt or manipulation to change other people’s choices? How many times have you allowed your decisions to be changed based on other people manipulating you?

These are all subtle areas of boundaries. The more we can take ownership of how we feel, and allow others the freedom to feel as they wish, the happier and more content we become.

Sometimes we may want to help another person change their point of view through some sort of manipulation. In these times we must realize that the ultimate decision is up to the individual, and not us for them. If we can be at peace with this, our contentment will grow.

Do you tend to manipulate others?

How do you feel when others disagree with you?

Do you find yourself wanting (coveting) what another person has?

Do you think everybody should make the same choices as you do?

How can you find peace with other people who are different than you?

Would you wear my tie-dye shirt out in public?

Well defined Boundaries

Have you ever driven through a neighborhood where there were no fences between properties? I was looking at one today. Each house had a little island of play toys for the kids (swing set, jungle gym, kid swimming pool, etc) centered in the middle of each yard. This looked a bit odd to me since where I grew up, every yard had a fence, and we all knew better than to enter into somebody else’s yard. Why do you suppose it was always right in the middle?

I have heard of school districts where they didn’t want the kids to feel “fenced in” so they removed the fences all around the playground. The result was eye-opening. The children no longer played all over the playground, but instead stayed huddled together right in the middle. The removal of the fences instead of giving the kids more freedom, caused them to feel less secure, and they instinctively played close to the middle.

These two examples have something in common. Without well defined and secure boundaries we tend to stay away from the edges where we can enjoy fellowship and bonding with each other, and isolate to the center of ourselves. When we are not sure where one person ends, and the other person begins, we have to keep our distance to feel save and secure.

“Having good boundaries” means that you know who you are, and what feelings, emotions, and actions you can accept, or reject from others. You also know that you cannot invade the feeling, emotions, or space of others. Do you change the things you do just to make somebody else feel better? If you feel like you have no choice in the matter, than you are allowing that person to own a piece of you that you need to take ownership for yourself.

Check out the “yard” around your life. Is it fenced? Do your “neighbors” respect your space? Do you respect theirs? These become very important questions to face as we interrelate with others and enjoy the bonding with those whom God has brought into our lives.

Responsible Boundaries

Those of us who are old enough to remember the comedian Flip Wilson know that his most famous line is “The devil made me do it”. This is very much how many people lead their lives.

Having good boundaries not only means that you know who you are, but you know that you have full control of the choices you make. When I was raising my kids, it was common for them to get locked into one course of action. The want what they want when they want it. They think that it just has to be done this way, and right now, or the world as they know it will end. This just isn’t the case. In my experience the sun has always come up in the morning no matter what has happened the day before.

When we own up to the choices we make without excuse, we are showing that we know exactly who we are because we know where the boundaries are laid. We know who we are, and even if we can’t explain exactly why we may have done it, we freely own the fact that we have done something.

When we love somebody, we love their boundaries. We don’t make choices for others, and we don’t make excuses for others. We don’t enable others to deny their selves, or to live in a world without boundaries.

There are two basic problems we have with boundaries. People who are weaker willed who freely allow others to walk right in and take control, and there are those who don’t recognize boundaries and feel free to move right in on others. We must strive to live our lives with strong boundaries protecting ourselves, and respecting the boundaries of others even when they may not be projecting any.

What are boundaries?

CHANGES THAT HEAL

I have to sadly admit that the first time I heard a talk on boundaries it all went over my head, and I didn’t get a thing about the subject. Happily this is no longer true. The reason that the subject sounded so foreign to me was that I was in a very very co-dependent relationship. Co-dependency is just the opposite of boundaries.

Boundaries are what makes you you and not me. It is like the skin on your body that keeps all of the gooey stuff inside of us where it belongs. Boundaries is like the fence that divides your property from your neighbors. Good boundaries are well defined, and secure from the things that we do not want to penetrate them. Boundaries are our realization that we are our own person apart from others.

Your personal boundaries are many.

Physical space. How do you feel when I am standing too close?

Attitudes. You don’t feel the same way about things as I do.

Feelings. Nobody can MAKE you feel a certain way unless you let them.

Behavior. We certainly don’t behave the same way.

Thoughts. Do you know what I am thinking?

Abilities. We all have different talents.

Desires. Why do you want something different than I want?

Choices. We always have opportunities for different options.

Limits. We may let some people closer than others.

What if we were all the same?

What makes you different than any other human God created?

Take that good bonding with you!

When we think about bonding, there is a psychological term that is important. That term is “emotional object consistency”. What this means is that we experience bonding with a friend or loved one, that feeling is imprinted in us to the point that even when we are separate we can still feel the love and acceptance. This is an important part of our well being and ability to cope with the normal stress that arises throughout the days of our lives.

When we are not properly bonded, the feelings of anxiety we would feel on a normal day could be overwhelming. Life is very cruel. We get cut off when we drive, snipped at in the office, and the bad news can just pour in. If we can bask in the feelings of comfort and strength that we receive from our close relationships in those stressful time, life can be tolerable.

Does Bonding mean “Joined at the hip”?

The experience of proper bonding with another person has been for me the most enjoyable experience of my life. Too many times the baggage from past relationships or the hurtful experiences in our past drive us to improper bonding with others. This improper bonding usually develops into full blown co-dependency.

In proper bonding, closeness will come and go like the waves and tides in the ocean. The two separate persons will maintain their unique identity. When a person is very needy in their life as I was, the closeness becomes the goal, and enmeshment, becomes the resulting relationship. In enmeshment, a person gives up all of their boundaries at any cost. The cost is usually their independent identity.

In a dating relationship it is all too easy to become enmeshed. Both persons are trying to put the best foot forward to attract the other. If one of these persons has had past experiences that cause them to feel more needy, they may be all too willing to sacrifice their own space in order to experience the good feelings that come from the closeness of another.

When bonded properly, friendships can pass the test of time and distance. Some of my best friends live in other places in the country. I don’t see them very often, but when we do, the bond that we have formed in the past is still there just as strong as ever.

One of the lessons that infants learn early come from momma playing peek-a-boo. The child hopefully will learn that momma will can’t always be there to hold and comfort, and sometimes will be hidden. But the child can rest assured that mom will always be there with as much love as the child needs.

4 Areas Where We Have a Hard Time Getting it Right.

There are four main areas in our lives where it’s hard to get it right.

Bonding. Boundaries. Good vs Bad. Feeling Grown Up.

As we use the tools of Grace, Truth and Time, we can take a realistic look at our lives, and see where circumstances may have dealt us a short hand. Understanding these issues can help us deal with where we currently live, and help us understand why we tend to react in certain ways when relating with others.

Relationships are the most important investments we can make in our lives. They are arguably the only investment that we can take with us when we leave this life for the next. Bonding is the first emotional need we experience. We likely have a sense of bonding to our mothers before we are born. As we grow, other people will fill this very important role in our lives. We need to seek them out, and not isolate our lives.
As we grow bonds with others, we run into the need for Boundaries. Not every human being we meet will enter into a nourishing relationship with us. We need the fences of boundaries in our lives to define what is ours and what is not.
Are you Good, or are you Bad? The answer is yes! We often confuse ourselves into thinking that just because we do a bad thing, we are all bad. Or we strive to do things that will make us feel like we are a good person. Even Santa Clause usually gives grace to bad kids and does not withhold a Christmas present from them. What we receive in life is NOT based on weather we are good or bad. The rain falls on the just as well as the unjust.
How do you feel around others? Do you sometimes feel like you are the child, and they are the adult? Or is it the other way around? Once we can accept ourselves and others as Grown Up life can take on a new perspective. We can enter into a peer relationship with them. When we no longer accept the bullying of others, or try to take control of other lives, we can concentrate on our own growth and well being.

In the coming weeks, we will be looking into these issues in depth. We will look at what happens when we get it right, and what happens when we get it wrong.

Questions to consider:

Why do we need grace? Why do we need truth? Why do we need time?

Do you feel a healthy bond to another person? What does that feel like?

Do you feel an unhealthy bond to another person? Could this possibly be fixed by using appropriate boundaries?

How do you feel about your “bad” side? Are there people who see your “bad” side?

Do you feel like you always need to show your “good” side?

Do you feel like an equal when dealing with your friends? How about your boss? How about the CEO of your company?

How do you feel when dealing with a homeless person? How about somebody who has less training than you?

Friday June 18 Questions

Three ingredients of growth:

GRACE_+_TRUTH
TIME

Just as a tree needs good soil and nutrients to grow tall and strong over a period of time, we need essential ingredients in our lives to experience strength and growth. These essential ingredients are grace and truth. The bible has many descriptions of God, and when they are all summed up, they describe a God who is full of grace and truth. Growth only comes over time. For us to become healthy and strong, it requires the proper ingredients in our lives, and time for it to work.

What is grace?

What is truth?

As you were growing up, who was the best example of grace?

Who was an example of truth?

Did your parents, siblings, peers, or teachers treat you with grace and truth?

Does your perception of God lean more toward grace or truth?

Have you experienced times in your life where growth has not happened?

Describe a time when you have felt touched by grace.

Do you feel like truth is mean?

Have you experienced truth without grace?

Can you give yourself grace when facing the truth about yourself?

Where are these essential ingredients for your growth coming from today?